21 Reasons Why You’re Still F*cking Single For The Holidays
Ah the holidays — the time of the year when your family questions your single self, something you were quite content with until you reached the dinner table.
Why do you need to bring someone to Thanksgiving? Wouldn’t he have his own dinner to attend anyway?
You didn’t have a date last year, why would this year be any different? Isn’t it your family’s fault for setting its expectations so high?
But despite your rationalization, your family will question you endlessly about your relationship status come this holiday season, which is why you need to remain on the defense with these answers:
1. Because it’s too cold to ever leave your apartment
You can’t really meet people from the inside of your apartment, so you are forced to attempt online dating. And we all know how that blew up in your face…
2. The three Hinge/Tinder dates you went on scarred you for life
This is what you get for putting yourself out there: creepy pick-up lines and horrible first dates. You aren’t really even sure how you managed to convince yourself to go on three separate dates.
3. You still find yourself drunk texting your ex-boyfriend
How are you ever supposed to meet anyone new if you find yourself texting ex-boyfriends and ex-hookups every night you get drunk? Hopefully, grandma will understand when she asks you about this.
4. Because Netflix is so much better to come home to after a long day
It has “pause” and “stop” buttons; it listens and caters to your every need; it doesn’t get offended when you have to stop in the middle to pee.
5. You hate showering and don’t believe any boy is worth that effort
6. Because you like the bed to yourself far too much to share
If you do make the bed, it’s only for yourself, not someone else. And, honestly, you want all of the covers to yourself anyway.
7. You basically hate everyone
Unfortunately, not everyone can be as great as you, so you’d rather be alone than with someone who irritates you just for the sake of it.
8. You can’t even commit to a diet let alone another person
You break the vow you made to yourself every other day (or at least when you come into contact with people).
How are you supposed to stay committed to another person if you can’t even stay committed to yourself?
9. You’d rather spend all of your money on yourself
Does that make you selfish? Probably. Do you care? Nope.
10. Because Charles Manson isn’t, and you don’t want to have anything in common with him
As if this weren’t a sufficient answer in and of itself.
11. Because not shaving is really important to you right now
This is probably on the top of your priority list — along with postponing your shower. Oh well, it’s difficult! And it just grows back two days later anyway.
12. You can’t put on winter weight with a partner
You can rest assured that if you embrace the winter weight and you have a partner, it won’t be lasting very long. You’d be better off waiting until the spring when you’re actually motivated.
13. Because you haven’t gone out on a Friday in two months
You prefer staying home and not talking to people.
14. Because you don’t want to deal with 100 questions over the holidays
At least when you are single, the questions are minimal in comparison to when you actually have someone special in your life.
15. You don’t want to deal with your own problems let alone someone else’s
Your biggest concern is which show you are going to start binge-watching next on Netflix and what restaurant you are going to order from on Seamless.
16. You find comfort lying in a bed of your own crumbs
There is no one to harass you about the state of your bed. It’s your space and you can spend your time in it the way you choose.
17. You’d rather spoon a sandwich than a man
It’s OK… most people would, too.
18. You want all the leftovers to yourself
And no one to judge you while you eat them!
19. One family is more than enough to see on the holidays
You couldn’t imagine hanging out with another family since you want to keep the time you spend with your own at the bare minimum.
The second that Thanksgiving dinner is over, you better believe you are heading right back to your own apartment — no weekend-long stay for you.
20. Because, realistically, no one will date you
That will really get your relatives to stop asking questions.
21. Everyone sucks